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Old December 26th, 2013, 05:38 PM   #1
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When hell breaks loose

Narrator: After opening a hidden door in the stone wall of a storeroom, the old man, holding a lantern, descended a narrow staircase and walked along a winding passageway till he reached an old, rusty, heavy iron door. Opening it, he entered a dark room where nothing could be seen except two marble-sized spheres glowing red as burning coals in a corner. Holding up the lantern in the direction of the corner, the light revealed that the glowing red spheres were actually the malevolent flaming eyes of a large black dog chained in a lying posture to a pillar.

Old man: I thought you are still sleeping.

Dog: How can I sleep soundly in such a stinking place? I really lead a dog's life here.

Old man: It's advisable to let sleeping dogs lie, but I am coming here with a purpose tonight.

Dog: You always come with no good purpose.

Old man: I am bringing you some good news tonight. I am going to grant you limited freedom as I need your help to fight against my rival.

Dog: I know whom you are referring to as I can sense his presence miles away. I am sure you are talking about the priest whose brother's soul had been stolen by me. At the moment, he is on his way to your hideout to retrieve his brother's soul.

Old man: Yes, you have guessed correctly. Besides trying to retrieve his brother's soul, I think he is coming to challenge me to a duel. Some years ago, I managed to capture you and take away his brother's soul from you after a long battle. I have kept his brother's soul in a magic jar. I shall return his brother's soul to you as a reward for helping me to fight against the priest.

Dog: I believe my character is innately superior to yours. I am confident that I can say no to you, and I shall be first among equals in the supernatural world. But now that you are giving me such a rich reward, how can I say no to you?

Old man: I am glad that you do not say no to me at this juncture.

Dog: It's quite funny that we were fighting against each other in the past: literally, dog biting man, and man biting dog. But now we have become allies!

Old man: We have no permanent friends and we have no permanent enemies but we have permanent interests.

Narrator: The old man was, in fact, an evil sorcerer who captured the hellhound after a long battle. The phantom black dog had earlier stolen the soul of the priest's brother. The sorcerer kept the priest's brother's soul in a magic jar after taking it as booty from the spectral dog. The priest had found out the whereabouts of his brother's soul, and was coming to the sorcerer's hideout to retrieve it. Meanwhile, the sorcerer was reluctant to return the priest's brother's soul. Instead, he tried to rid his rival with the assistance of the hellhound.

Next day, the hellish supernatural dog was taken out from the dungeon and chained to a pillar near the gate of the sorcerer's house. One week later, the priest arrived at the gate of the sorcerer's hideout. There he found the huge spectral hound growling, barking and snapping its immense jaws viciously in an extremely confrontational manner.

Priest: Return my brother's soul to me and I shall leave in peace.

Dog: Stop dreaming. You will never get it back.

Priest: I am coming here only to retrieve my brother's soul but you are playing up the perceived military threat from me and using it as an excuse to escalate bilateral tensions and fall back into your old habit of aggression. Aren't you afraid that I shall teach you a lesson?

Dog: Don't worry. Under a bilateral security agreement with the sorcerer, he will defend me when I am attacked by others. The current agreement should be revised in the future to make it more "mutually dependent" so I can come to the rescue of the sorcerer when needed.

Priest: Your impenitence hurts the feelings of both my family and other victims of your past evil deeds.

Dog: I have to say 1,001 thanks to you. Without you, I could never see daylight again. Without you, I could never say no to my evil master. Without you, I could never get even this limited freedom from my captor. Without you, I won't have the chance to emerge from my wicked master's security umbrella to become a normal hellhound and to be taken seriously by all supernatural creatures.

I shall pursue the stance of strategic patience to break the chains of bondage so that I shall gain eventual freedom and independence from the ruins of the evil sorcerer's supernatural empire. He will get a taste of his own medicine one day!

Last edited by reedak; December 26th, 2013 at 06:00 PM.
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Old December 26th, 2013, 07:38 PM   #2
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You need to work on story flow. You went from symbolism to blatant analogy and it killed it. It was good until the abrupt change in style.
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Old December 26th, 2013, 08:04 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by David View Post
You need to work on story flow. You went from symbolism to blatant analogy and it killed it. It was good until the abrupt change in style.
Dear Congressional Leader,

Thanks for your valuable opinion. I am sure you know what recent world events I am trying to compare with my "blatant analogy". I would appreciate very much if you would be kind enough to point out the "abrupt change in style" that "killed" the story flow, perhaps, by highlighting it in bold letters. I would try my best to make the necessary improvement in the story flow.

For me, the most important goal is to convey the message of my political satire rather than concentrating on the story flow or creating an artistic work out of it.
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Old December 27th, 2013, 06:46 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by reedak View Post
Dear Congressional Leader,

Thanks for your valuable opinion. I am sure you know what recent world events I am trying to compare with my "blatant analogy". I would appreciate very much if you would be kind enough to point out the "abrupt change in style" that "killed" the story flow, perhaps, by highlighting it in bold letters. I would try my best to make the necessary improvement in the story flow.

For me, the most important goal is to convey the message of my political satire rather than concentrating on the story flow or creating an artistic work out of it.
Well at 1st you were using symbolism using the characters to represent countries and their political relations then you started using terms like treaty (Did you forget you were talking about people?) and the like. Stick to the same literary style, using symbolism and analogy in the same story doesn't work.

And what your doing (satire) is art, a well respected and lucrative form of art in fact. Keep this in mind and take more care and pride in your stories. They have good meanings but your literary carelessness in this and others weakens them.

I see you're marked as Cambodian in your profile, if true I'm guessing English isn't your 1st language. If that's the case, read some English and American satire (preferably of the same style you use) to get an idea of how their stories flow along.
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Old December 27th, 2013, 05:52 PM   #5
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I think I figured out what David was trying to tell you but I feel I can explain it in laymen terms.

In this part of your story, "Priest: I am coming here only to retrieve my brother's soul but you are playing up the perceived military threat from me and using it as an excuse to escalate bilateral tensions and fall back into your old habit of aggression. Aren't you afraid that I shall teach you a lesson?"

As David says other languages are simpler and more elegant than clunky old English. I don't mean to be ham fisted here but there is no other way to say it. You mention military and and bilateral tensions those particular words in English are more suited for stories with military or troops and Martin's at battle. Your hell hound is a figurative representation of a nation. Once you mention military it goes into an analogy. Though I appreciate figurative representation more than analogous, the two cannot inter mangle

I suggest keeping your dog character singular.

I will offer my critique.

Priest: I am coming here only to retrieve my brother's soul but (you are telling the old man that I am a strong enemy in order to scare him into a fight with me to eliminate both of your enemies )you are playing up the perceived military threat from me and using it as an excuse to escalate bilateral tensions and fall back into your old habit of aggression. Aren't you afraid that I shall teach you a lesson?

See like David said I am not sure if English is your second language and I don't mean to be condescending but in many languages there would be one word to describe something in English there are often many and each word by itself may have the same meaning but in context may have a slightly different meaning
Thanks from David and Aufgeblassen
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Old December 29th, 2013, 03:30 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David View Post
Well at 1st you were using symbolism using the characters to represent countries and their political relations then you started using terms like treaty (Did you forget you were talking about people?) and the like. Stick to the same literary style, using symbolism and analogy in the same story doesn't work.

And what your doing (satire) is art, a well respected and lucrative form of art in fact. Keep this in mind and take more care and pride in your stories. They have good meanings but your literary carelessness in this and others weakens them.

I see you're marked as Cambodian in your profile, if true I'm guessing English isn't your 1st language. If that's the case, read some English and American satire (preferably of the same style you use) to get an idea of how their stories flow along.
Many thanks for your valuable comment. I have rewritten the political satire as shown below. I hope it can be an improved version over the first. I look forward to more valuable comments from you and other literary critics. With regard to the title of story, I think "Hellhound is breaking loose" is more suitable than the original one.


Narrator: As the door slowly opened, a beam of light came creeping in, followed by a tall, thin old man with a lantern in his hand. His long hair and chin whiskers were white. Despite his age, he moved with incredible agility. Looking around the storeroom as if to ensure nobody is hiding there, he walked towards an old armchair beside the wall.

As soon as he pressed a hidden lever on the wall behind the armchair, a hidden door in the stone wall swung open, revealing a secret entrance to a basement. With one hand carrying the lantern and the other holding onto the handrail, the old man descended a narrow flight of stairs into the darkness below. After reaching the bottom of the staircase, he walked along a winding passageway till he came to an old, rusty, heavy iron door. Opening a huge rusty padlock with a key from his pocket, he pushed hard on the door to open it. The hinges creaked eerily as the door swung open.

On entering a pitch-dark room, he saw two marble-sized spheres glowing red as burning coals in mid-air. As he moved his lantern nearer to the fiery red spheres, the light revealed that they were actually the malevolent flaming eyes of a huge black dog chained in a lying posture to a pillar. The beast was unusually large for a dog, about the size of s grizzly bear or a horse.

As the old man moved his lantern in all directions of the room, the light fell upon the unintelligible characters that were inscribed all over the place -- walls, ceiling, floor, even the pillar and the iron door. I suppose they must be some sort of magic words or inscriptions. For what purpose was this magical charm or incantation inscribed is anybody's guess.

Old man: I thought you are still sleeping.

Dog: How can I sleep soundly in such a stinking place? I really lead a dog's life here.

Old man: Before coming here, I have been thinking that it is advisable to let sleeping dogs lie, but I really have some urgent matters to discuss with you. I am coming here with a purpose tonight.

Dog: You always come with no good purpose.

Old man: I am bringing you some good news. I am going to grant you limited freedom as I need your help to fight against my rival.

Dog: I know whom you are referring to as I can sense his presence miles away. I am sure you are talking about the priest whose brother's soul had been stolen by me some years ago. At the moment, he is on his way here to retrieve his brother's soul.

Old man: Yes, you have guessed correctly. Besides trying to retrieve his brother's soul, I think he is coming to challenge me to a duel. Some years ago, I managed to capture you and take away his brother's soul from you as booty after a long battle. I have kept his brother's soul in a magic jar. I shall return his brother's soul to you as a reward to help me fight against the priest.

Dog: I hate to say yes to others. But now that you are giving me such a rich reward, how can I say no to you?

Old man: I am glad that you do not say no to me at this critical juncture.

Dog: It's quite funny that we were fighting against each other in the past: literally, dog biting man, and man biting dog. But now we have become allies!

Old man: We have no permanent friends and we have no permanent enemies but we have permanent interests.

Narrator: Next day, the huge black dog was taken out from the dungeon and chained to a pillar near the gate of the old man's house. Meanwhile, the priest was riding a white horse like the wind towards the old man's home.

Some distance before reaching the old man's home, the white horse stood still with whitened eyes and flicking ears. Its nostrils expanded and quivered as it snorted and blew in the direction of the gate. Suddenly it spun around and bolted out in the opposite direction. The priest was caught completely unaware and was thrown to the ground. Fortunately, he was skilled in magic and Chinese martial arts. He managed to land on his feet with some minor bruises and scratches on his arms.

Sighing and shaking his head, he lamented: "Friendship is a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul." By this time, the terrified horse had disappeared into the distance. The priest had no choice but trudged along the rocky path through the wilderness till he reached the old man's house. When he arrived at the gate, he found the huge black dog growling, barking and snapping its immense jaws viciously in an extremely confrontational manner.

Priest: Return my brother's soul to me and I shall leave in peace.

Dog: Stop dreaming. You will never get it back.

Priest: I am coming here only to retrieve my brother's soul but you show no penitence. Your behaviour is worse and more aggressive than before. Aren't you afraid that I shall beat the hell out of you?

Dog: Don't worry. My powerful captor will come to my rescue.

Priest: Your impenitence hurts the feelings of both my family and other victims of your past evil deeds.

Dog: There is an old Chinese saying, “Who could have guessed it was a blessing in disguise when the old man on the frontier lost his mare?” I have to say many thanks for your futile attempt to settle old scores with me. It’s a blessing in disguise. If not for your recklessness, I have no hope of seeing daylight again; I could never say no to my captor; I could never gain this limited freedom from my captor.

I shall pursue the stance of strategic patience to break the chains of bondage so that I shall regain all my freedom and independence from my captor. He will get a taste of his own medicine one day!

Priest: So one day you are going to bite the hand that feeds you? It looks like you have proved Mark Twain wrong. He said: "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

Dog: No, I haven't proved him wrong. The problem is that I am no ordinary dog but a hellhound. And the old man is no benevolent person but an evil sorcerer. My ultimate goal is to become a normal hellhound and to be taken seriously by all other supernatural creatures once again.

Last edited by reedak; December 29th, 2013 at 03:51 AM.
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Old December 29th, 2013, 04:06 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polydectes View Post
I think I figured out what David was trying to tell you but I feel I can explain it in laymen terms.

In this part of your story, "Priest: I am coming here only to retrieve my brother's soul but you are playing up the perceived military threat from me and using it as an excuse to escalate bilateral tensions and fall back into your old habit of aggression. Aren't you afraid that I shall teach you a lesson?"

As David says other languages are simpler and more elegant than clunky old English. I don't mean to be ham fisted here but there is no other way to say it. You mention military and and bilateral tensions those particular words in English are more suited for stories with military or troops and Martin's at battle. Your hell hound is a figurative representation of a nation. Once you mention military it goes into an analogy. Though I appreciate figurative representation more than analogous, the two cannot inter mangle

I suggest keeping your dog character singular.

I will offer my critique.

Priest: I am coming here only to retrieve my brother's soul but (you are telling the old man that I am a strong enemy in order to scare him into a fight with me to eliminate both of your enemies )you are playing up the perceived military threat from me and using it as an excuse to escalate bilateral tensions and fall back into your old habit of aggression. Aren't you afraid that I shall teach you a lesson?

See like David said I am not sure if English is your second language and I don't mean to be condescending but in many languages there would be one word to describe something in English there are often many and each word by itself may have the same meaning but in context may have a slightly different meaning
Well said. Thanks for your valuable critique.

Your suggestion is excellent. Of course, I can't copy any of your contribution. I have posted a second version of the story. I hope it can be an improvement over the first. I look forward to more valuable critiques from you and other netizens.

From what you have written, I can see you are a good story writer. I look forward to reading your stories in the forum.
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Old December 29th, 2013, 04:23 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aufgeblassen View Post
Most likely he did not, as your stories are quite ambiguous.
Thanks for your comment. The messages and meanings in many satires, other literary works and even paintings are purposely kept ambiguous by their creators.

For instance, the words in the Bible could be interpreted in so many ways so much so there are countless Christian sects, cults and so-called house churches around the world in addition to the official branches of Christianity.
Thanks from Aufgeblassen
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Old December 29th, 2013, 05:16 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by reedak View Post
Thanks for your comment. The messages and meanings in many satires, other literary works and even paintings are purposely kept ambiguous by their creators.
Personally, I'm a fan of Orwellian satire. It's powerful stuff if you get it it and if you don't... Well I do have fun laughing at people that use his works to argue in favor of capitalism. A real 'Woosh!' moment indeed.
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Old December 29th, 2013, 06:29 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reedak View Post
Well said. Thanks for your valuable critique.

Your suggestion is excellent. Of course, I can't copy any of your contribution. I have posted a second version of the story. I hope it can be an improvement over the first. I look forward to more valuable critiques from you and other netizens.

From what you have written, I can see you are a good story writer. I look forward to reading your stories in the forum.
You kept with the figurative yes it is much easier to follow. Nicely done.
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Old December 29th, 2013, 12:03 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David View Post
Personally, I'm a fan of Orwellian satire. It's powerful stuff if you get it it and if you don't... Well I do have fun laughing at people that use his works to argue in favor of capitalism. A real 'Woosh!' moment indeed.
If not for your valuable critique, I would not have made any effort to improve on the story. Thanks.
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Old December 29th, 2013, 12:04 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polydectes View Post
You kept with the figurative yes it is much easier to follow. Nicely done.
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
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Old December 29th, 2013, 07:51 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reedak View Post
If not for your valuable critique, I would not have made any effort to improve on the story. Thanks.
It's always nice to see someone who can take constructive criticism for what it is. Far too many take it personally.
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Old December 29th, 2013, 11:23 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David View Post
It's always nice to see someone who can take constructive criticism for what it is. Far too many take it personally.
Like a chef in a restaurant, I had also found a "strange taste" in the "food" I cooked. However, I was in a rush to deliver it to my “customers”, so I just ignored it at that time.

As there is no lack of good literary critics and budding writers around, I think it may be a good idea to set up a sub-forum entitled "Literary Works" to let netizens post their creative literary works like poems, essays, short stories, plays, etc.

Who knows? Such an endeavour may produce a future William Shakespeare.

Last edited by reedak; December 29th, 2013 at 11:29 PM.
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Old December 30th, 2013, 03:23 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reedak View Post
Like a chef in a restaurant, I had also found a "strange taste" in the "food" I cooked. However, I was in a rush to deliver it to my “customers”, so I just ignored it at that time.

As there is no lack of good literary critics and budding writers around, I think it may be a good idea to set up a sub-forum entitled "Literary Works" to let netizens post their creative literary works like poems, essays, short stories, plays, etc.

Who knows? Such an endeavour may produce a future William Shakespeare.
Like a beautiful rock sculpture you must be patient and the beauty will be achieved eventually.

I am glad I could help.
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Old December 30th, 2013, 03:29 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reedak View Post
Like a chef in a restaurant, I had also found a "strange taste" in the "food" I cooked. However, I was in a rush to deliver it to my “customers”, so I just ignored it at that time.

As there is no lack of good literary critics and budding writers around, I think it may be a good idea to set up a sub-forum entitled "Literary Works" to let netizens post their creative literary works like poems, essays, short stories, plays, etc.

Who knows? Such an endeavour may produce a future William Shakespeare.
I have created a sticky thread in games....rather than a new subforum.

Should you request it, I can move this into it.
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Old December 30th, 2013, 11:26 AM   #17
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i like reedak's writing.
theyr'e kind of mystic metaphors.

you have to consider if he comes from a non-american culture the writing and metaphors are going to be a bit different. ever read any haiku? its not like american poetry and has certain nuances specific to the culture.

imagine telling the author of haiku:

no, no, no son, that aint poetry!
you got to rhyme it!
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Old December 30th, 2013, 02:54 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tecoyah View Post
I have created a sticky thread in games....rather than a new subforum.

Should you request it, I can move this into it.
Since this fairy tale is a political satire, it is appropriate to treat it as such and let it remain in the "Political Humour" subforum even if a new subforum for "Games" were to be created in this forum. If you wish to copy it into your sticky thread in games in this forum or elsewhere, you are welcome to do so as I would take it as a great honour.

I think my political satire could be adapted for making into a video game. If the priest could capture or kill the hellhound, his next move would be venturing into the sorcerer's house where he would be faced with a number of beasts or monsters, each more fearsome and terrible than the one before, at each level. The climax of the game would be the final battle between the sorcerer and the priest.

Game-makers are welcome to adapt my fairy tale freely for creating video games.

Last edited by reedak; December 30th, 2013 at 03:04 PM.
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Old December 30th, 2013, 03:09 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Polydectes View Post
Like a beautiful rock sculpture you must be patient and the beauty will be achieved eventually.

I am glad I could help.
Well said. Once again thanks for your help and suggestion.
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Old December 30th, 2013, 03:20 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arcturus88 View Post
i like reedak's writing.
theyr'e kind of mystic metaphors.

you have to consider if he comes from a non-american culture the writing and metaphors are going to be a bit different. ever read any haiku? its not like american poetry and has certain nuances specific to the culture.

imagine telling the author of haiku:

no, no, no son, that aint poetry!
you got to rhyme it!
Thanks for heaping such a praise on me. I don't think I deserve it.

I enjoy that haiku of yours. Let's have a few more from you.
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