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Old January 19th, 2014, 03:19 AM   #1
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Confusionism and "Confucius Say" jokes

1. "Confucius (551–479 BC) was a Chinese teacher, editor, politician, and philosopher of the Spring and Autumn period of Chinese history.

The philosophy of Confucius emphasized personal and governmental morality, correctness of social relationships, justice and sincerity. His followers competed successfully with many other schools during the Hundred Schools of Thought era only to be suppressed in favour of the Legalists during the Qin Dynasty. Following the victory of Han over Chu after the collapse of Qin, Confucius's thoughts received official sanction and were further developed into a system known as Confucianism.

Confucius is traditionally credited with having authored or edited many of the Chinese classic texts including all of the Five Classics, but modern scholars are cautious of attributing specific assertions to Confucius himself. Aphorisms concerning his teachings were compiled in the Analects, but only many years after his death."

Confucius - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Confucius - Wikiquote

Biography and sayings of Confucius Chinese philosopher

2. Confucius "liked his teachings to be short and to the point". The "Confucius Say" jokes are "sharp funny one-liners" and have practically nothing to do with Confucianism. In "The Analects of Confucius", the great Chinese sage "liked to play with words and metaphors in which there would be several layers of meaning. Confucius jokes often play on the double meanings of words."

The "Confucius Say" jokes have the following characteristics:

Firstly, "they always start with 'Confucius say', and no, not Confucius says".

Secondly, "they are often grammatically incorrect ... probably uttered the way the maker of the joke thinks some old Chinese person would have."

Thirdly, "they most often possess various degrees of vulgarity and dirtiness".

The so-called Confucius jokes were created by anonymous people who generously attributed their hilarious, dirty quotes to Confucius. Despite the vulgarity of the jokes, there is no lack of naive people who believe that the quotes originated from Confucius.

The Best Confucius Jokes Ever Collected - Really Funny Stuff

3. Below are examples of the so-called "Confucius Say" jokes by anonymous writers.

Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired.

Confucius say: Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Confucius say: Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!

Confucius say: Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling.

Confucius say: He who fish in other man's well often catches crabs.

Confucius say: State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

Confucius say: Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring, have offspring next spring.

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.

Confucius say: Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

Confucius say: Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is "Negligent".

Confucius say: When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

Confucius say: Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.

Confucius say: Man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.

Confucius say: Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!

Confucius say: Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.

Confucius say: Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.

Confucius say: Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.

Confucius say: Man with no legs bums around.

Confucius say: Find old man in dark, not hard!

Confucius say: Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

Confucius say: If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius say: Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!

4. The following four "Confucius Say" quotes are hot right out of my oven. Compared with the usual "naughty" Internet quotes which make the great Chinese sage sound like a "dirty old man", the "freshly baked" quotes make him sound like an economist and a student of English nursery rhymes.

Confucius say: “A ruler who cannot stay upright risks falling like Humpty Dumpty from the height of power.”

Confucius say: "Countless participants of the conflict fall by the wayside in their race up the apex of power, with their dead bodies piling up like a mountain, atop which stands the victor of a brutal, long-drawn-out, free-for-all, civil war."

Confucius say: "Before a politician borrows the ending –nomics to coin a term for his economic policies, he must ensure that he can return it with interest, bearing in mind that, like the intake of food into his body, the principle of 'nothing goes in, nothing comes out' also holds for economics."

Confucius say: “What I say is not important. What's important is what I don't say.”

5. All readers are welcome to create and share their original "Confucius Say" jokes with others in this thread.

"Confucius Say..." Jokes

Confucius Say Jokes

Confucius Say Jokes - Jokes

Jokes N Jokes - Confucius Say ....

Confucius Jokes | Funny Humor by Joke Buddha

Last edited by reedak; January 19th, 2014 at 12:10 PM.
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Old January 19th, 2014, 06:28 AM   #2
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Confusius says: Man who goes to bed with itchy butt, wakes up with stinky fingers.


Last edited by Aufgeblassen; January 19th, 2014 at 08:00 AM.
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Old January 19th, 2014, 07:26 AM   #3
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Confucius Say: Elephant ask naked man how he can breath out of that thing.
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Old January 19th, 2014, 07:55 AM   #4
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Last edited by Aufgeblassen; January 19th, 2014 at 07:58 AM.
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